It's only the second week of school but it feels like I've got a huge load on my shoulders, and not just because I'm overloading either. Just yesterday night I went into what might be considered a mini-breakdown, because--how do I say this--I'm fed up. I'm overwhelmed by my responsibilities, yes, but it's mostly that I am exhausted, burnt out even before the burning begins.
This Christmas season is simply insane. How, how, how can we have so many million engagements lined up? I mean, hello okay, we need them in more ways than one (will not go into detail), but I'd just like to remind everyone that we're just STUDENTS. Primarily, first, and foremost, students. Students not of music, not of voice or piano or conducting or theory, but students with our own varied courses and responsibilities to them. I like, even love singing, definitely, but it just comes down to priorities, and I just cannot sacrifice my academics for a hobby that can get so out of proportion.
Singing is just one part of my life. Travelling is another. I want to go on the Junior Term Abroad. I want to have grades deserving of a slot in JTA France or Norway or Japan. How can I do that if I used to spend at least 9 hours singing every week and now am being obliged to spend, what, 18-20 hours a week? What is this, a job?? Oh, right, except I don't get a salary or compensation or anything.
I want to go home each day not dead tired to the bone, craving rest and sleep. I want to go home when there is still actually sunlight streaming through my windows and with the knowledge that the day isn't over yet. I want to go home and not panic that my brain is already ceasing to function because know I actually have enough time to read and do everything assigned, Histo, Law, Theo, and especially Accounting. In short, I want my time to be my own again. I don't want my time to always be someone else's, to belong to someone else. It's not a privelege anymore, but a colossal, cumbersome burden that's just really bad for me.
I want to let go right now, but I can't, because I'm bound by duties and obligations to people, and I can't just say I don't want to anymore. If someone were from the outside looking in, it'd just be so easy to tell me what to do. But nothing is ever that easy. Choices and consequences are never easy.
Everything I've said is still not actually the point of this entry, but I got carried away reliving the temporary insanity that was the natural inevitable effect of all the pressure, both anticipated and experienced.
Actually today, I had a way better day. I rather like Tuesdays and Thursdays now, because my teachers are absolutely lovely! Sir Santiago for Law is funny, super nice, and easy to be around. He unhesitatingly and hassle-freely agreed to let me become Ivy's classmate, hurrah!! Ms. Clemente for PE 101 is perfectly fine, and I aerobics under her didn't kill me so this shouldn't either; not to mention, I rather love the aircon, especially since it's smack dab in the middle of the scorching noon sun. And Mr. Ricky Abad is just fantastic! Never have I seen someone teach as passionately and liberally and humorously as that before him, and Mr. Tirol for HI 18 (if only, if only... alamak!) I'd really recommend for people to try sitting in both those teachers' classes--they're simply amazing. They'll make you want to have class, want to learn and enjoy it to boot.
Also, I made a new friend today, someone named Dominic from tutor. :) Gee, I didn't even know he was my classmate in Accounting, but that's because I sit waaaay in front and don't actually know the faces of 2/3 of my very few classmates. The poor dear, has to suffer Accounting because he's shifting to Comtech. Anyway, it was a complete blessing that we both had to head back to Ateneo after, because I was running late for yet another engagement and panicking due to my utter lack of knowledge on how and where to commute and even the exact location of the venue.
I've spent too much time already, but the last thing I want to mention is that I found it highly amusing that we ended up singing for an International Almighty Historians of Asia Delegation thing where Inca and I saw our beloved Chinese/HI 16 lao shi and I was struck by a feeling of deja vu. It felt like the delegates from all over asia were us when we were competing in Europe, treated to a warm reception and three days of sumptuous food, luxurious accomodations, and itinerary-based activities. For one fleeting moment, I remembered how it was like in Spittal, in Monchberg, in Arezzo... and even though at times I wanted nothing more but to be back home, now I cherish the memories and the experiences. To go on tour is an experience like nothing else, comparable to nothing else. Even to go on JTA would be a different adventure. I'll always treasure and terribly miss all our host families and the friends we made along the way, but for now I'm back to reality, and I have to push all those thoughts to the archive section in my cranium. I have to get my gears back into stress-comes-with-studying mode, much as I am loathe to do so.
Here's to tomorrow. May it not be a sucky day.